After the release of the first book, The Dead Man's Deal, two years ago, readers have wondered about one particular character, the great Hercule Poirot. I've decided to interview him, so we all can get a better insight into his wee mind. Keep reading to find out how to participate in the Snarkology Rafflecopter, or win a free copy of the latest book in the series.
Let me set the setting: I sit in a chair with my Samsung pad on my lap already displaying questions. Hercule, on his chair, stands most of the time, but scurries about occasionally when answering questions. It's a little unnerving.
Me: (His French accent is quite thick.) Are you actually from France?
HP: Oui. I was born there. Only fitting I now live New Orleans, is it not? There are still some French speakers there. Especially among my kind.
Me: I'm glad you brought that up. For those who don't know you, how do you describe your kind to our readers?
HP: Benevolent. Important. Necessary.
Me: No, I meant, what are you?
HP: Un cafard.
Me: English, please.
Me: Wait, why benevolent, or important, or necessary? Most people find cockroaches disgusting.
HP: That is because they don't know us.
Me: Roaches are universal. Everyone knows them.
HP: Oui? Do we bite?
Me: Well, no—
HP: Do we sting?
Me: Okay, that's true—
HP: Do we spray you with skin-eating venoms?
HP: So, why the fear? It is misplaced. Face the fact, if we were covered in a pretty red shell with black polka-dots, just like the wee ladybug, you would adore us.
Me: Um, let's … move on.
HP: As you wish.
Me: I have some questions from fans I'd like to ask you. Leon from Edmunton, Alberta wants to know who's your favorite actor?
HP: What kind of question is that?! I'm a cockroach. I care not about actors.
Me: But he's a fan—
Me: Here’s a good one for the holiday. Jennifer from Sunnyvale, California, wants to know what you’re wearing for Halloween this year.
HP: Hmmmm, let me think about this. Last year I went as a horse—
Me: You went as a horse?
HP: Mon dieu, of course not! Are all the baboons so gullible? I went as a cockroach. It is what I wear every year. Clearly, you primates are afraid of it, and it fits me perfectly. Next question. And this time, make it a good one.
Me: Okay, let me see, ah. Francine from Barcelona, Spain wants to know if you have any pets.
HP: (There’s uncomfortable silence for several moments.) Look at me. What could I possible have as a pet, hm? An ant? Or perhaps a flea?
Me: I'm just asking what people—
HP: Are they morons? What other kinds of questions do you have?
Me: Like, what's your favorite color? What's your favorite song—?
HP: These are insipid questions! Only monkeys would wonder about such nonsense. Ask me something important.
Me: (a bit flustered) I'm open to suggestions.
Me: That's a good one. When will the new book come out—?
HP: Why are you asking me?! You wrote it!
Me: But you just … fine. The new book, The Cook’s Curse, will be out this November and available to purchase on Amazon.
HP: That didn't take long. What has it been, two years?
Me: It was a complicated process.
HP: Enough with the questions. I have something to announce regarding the new book.
Me: You do?
HP: Yes. I was given permission to offer a free copy to one of your readers.
Me: Excellent! How will that work?
HP: Just write in the comments below something clever, and I will pick someone at random. This I do by setting a one minute timer. Then I run around on a printout of the names until the timer goes off. Whoever I'm standing on when the bell rings is the winner.
Me: Sounds … disturbing. And a little gross.
HP: Once done, you send them a notice, and work out details.
Me: What format are you offering?
HP: Whatever format they choose. I would recommend a paperback, myself. It's more expensive.
Me: Thank you for that.
There you have it. Leave a comment below, including how best to contact you, and on November 1st Hercule will select one lucky winner to receive a free copy of the new book, The Cook's Curse.